


a wish for everything to be okay

by ellysitive



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Cigarettes, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, ptsd mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:53:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29119284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellysitive/pseuds/ellysitive
Summary: L’Mamberg was truly gone this time, perhaps for the better. All Quackity associated that god forsaken country with is pain.———or i vent onto poor quackity bc me and his character share similar type mental health issues👍🏼
Relationships: Alexis | Quackity & Toby Smith | Tubbo, PLATONIC ONLY WTF
Kudos: 27





	a wish for everything to be okay

Quackity wrapped his dark blue sweater tighter around himself as he sat under the shining moon. He stared at the crater that was once L’Manberg, feeling a stinging feeling of numbness course throughout his entire body. He didn’t know if he should feel sad, angry, relieved, or anything, because he certainly doesn’t feel anything. Was that wrong? He couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

L’Mamberg was truly gone this time, perhaps for the better. All Quackity associated that god forsaken country with is pain. 

Pain from when Wilbur didn’t hesitate to deny him citizenship, saying he wasn’t British or some dumb shit like that. At the time, he felt more anger than anything but now it just feels like he dodged a bullet.

Pain from when he was vice president. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t rid the drunken yelling from Schlatt from his nightmares. He can’t forget the feeling of harsh and calloused hands gripping his wrists with bruising force, can’t forget the feeling of knuckles colliding with his face. He can’t forget the strong scent of cigarettes and alcohol, can’t forget the tears he shed every night, wishing for everything to be over.

Pain from when he misses Schlatt. He doesn’t know why he misses the abusive alcoholic. Well, he does but it’s hard to come to terms with. Schlatt was the only person he saw daily and someone he had once considered a friend. He thought the two of them would rule the world together. Obviously it didn’t turn out like that. All he got from that man was trust issues, social anxiety, low self esteem, and PTSD.

Quackity still flinches whenever someone raises a hand too abruptly, or just slightly comments on his appearance, or when someone ever so gently places a hand on him. He craves the feeling of wanting to be wanted but he pushes everyone away in fear of what they would do to him.

He trusted someone once and it left him alone. He doesn’t want anyone to go through that, which is why he tells Tommy and Tubbo not to trust anyone, not even each other. He knows that they have a strong bond but he wouldn’t ever forgive himself if they got hurt like him. 

Quackity sighed as he picked at the grass below him. Where does he go now? He doesn’t really have a purpose now. 

He doesn’t have a purpose.

For some reason, that hurts more than any bruise Schlatt as ever given him.

What can he do now? That’s why he ran for vice president, to have a purpose, that’s why he agreed to be vice in replacement of Tommy, to have a purpose. It’s why he lead the butcher army, to have a purpose, it’s why he started El Rapids. He just wanted a purpose.

What does he have that’s useful? All everyone see’s him as is this dumb fucking idiot who just cracks jokes and makes everything lighthearted. No one pays attention to dumb ole Quackity, no one paid attention to his flinches, or his sudden moments of seriousness when he’s too tired to put up the facade, no one CARES.

Quackity felt his heart rate quicken and his breathing speed up until it was borderline hyperventilation. Tears pricked at the corner of his eyes, a few escaping as he tightly gripped at his hair, ignoring the stinging pain in his scalp. 

Why the fuck is he crying? He shouldn’t be crying, he has nothing to cry about! Yeah he has untreated trauma from a past abuser and war but he doesn’t deserve to cry! Not like Tommy or Tubbo who have gone through so much in their young lives yet somehow remain strong. He doesn’t deserve to cry.

All he wants is for everything to be okay. He just wants to be okay for once. He’s so tired of putting on a fake happy act in order to make others happy, he’s so tired of waking up to his own screams of terror from when he was launched high into the sky from the explosion. He’s tired of staring into the mirror and running his hands over the scar across his mouth from when Techno quite literally, stuck a pick through his teeth. He’s tired of staying awake for days on end just because he’s scared to face the demons in his nightmares.

Quackity see’s a blurry shadow in his peripheral but he just can’t be bothered to see who or what it is. He can’t hear anything over his gasping sobs anyways, if it’s Dream or Techno here to finish him off for good, then so be it.

He’s tired of suffering.

“Big Q?” A timid voice calls out from behind him. He almost didn’t catch it. 

It feels like everything around him had stopped, as if this was something he was supposed to pay attention to.

Quackity quickly wiped away his tears and snot as he tried to control his breathing. It’s useless since the person already knows he’s been crying but oh well.

He turns around and through puffy red eyes, he see’s a worried looking Tubbo.

For a second, he feels relaxed. Just Tubbo. Someone he’s come to see as a little brother.

Quackity quickly put on a smile, “Hey bud!” He grimaced at how scratchy and shaky his voice sounded. “What’s up? It’s pretty late Turbo.” 

Tubbo didn’t seem the least convinced at act. “I wanted to see L’Manberg for the last time.” He responded, weary eyes still trained on Quackity’s shaking form.

Quackity nodded, “Same.” He pitifully chuckled.

It was silent, neither not knowing what to say. Eventually, Tubbo stepped forward and sat next to Quackity on the grassy hill, both listening to the sound of crickets chirping. 

“...You’re in pain, aren’t you?”

That was one big fucking understatement.

Nevertheless, Quackity laughed and it would’ve been convincing but Tubbo saw the man having a damn panic attack. 

“What’re you talking about Tubbo? I’m feeling great! I’ve been the healthiest than I’ve ever been before!” A complete and utter lie. He can barely find it in himself to eat a proper meal each day, just surviving off small snacks, or to sleep properly. He’s gotten thinner, his face more sunken in than when he first joined. 

Tubbo sighed and that was enough for Quackity to shut up and drop the facade. The smile quickly transformed into a frown as he looked back towards the blown up country. Just this once, he can keep the mask off.

“...Did you want to talk about it?”

Quackity thought in silence. He doesn’t need his little brother to know how weak he truly is.

He shook his head.

Tubbo didn’t say anything else. All he did was pull the older into a warm hug, figuring that was the best he can do for now. He’d wait for Quackity to come to him.

Quackity’s eyes widened as he was pulled into the hug, resisting every instinct to push the kid away and run until his lungs collapsed. Immediately, he felt the warmth of the younger and it made him feel safe for once, like everything was going to be okay. It’s been so long since he’s felt safe.

He quickly wrapped his arms around the younger, tears cascading down his face once again. Tubbo didn’t blink twice, he was used to this since he’s had to comfort Tommy on multiple occasions. All he did was rub his hand up and down Quackity’s back and rock them back and forth as the older sobbed uncontrollably in his arms.

“I’m sorry... I’m so fucking sorry Tubbo.” Quackity cried, tears soaking into Tubbo’s shirt.

Tubbo only weakly smiled, “You have nothing to be sorry about, Big Q. We’re okay now.”

They don’t know how long that statement would last.

But it comforted Quackity immensely because shortly after those words were uttered, he began to calm down. 

It didn’t take long until his eyelids began to feel heavy. He didn’t want to fall asleep but crying can do that to a person.

Tubbo seemed to have noticed the taller beginning to go limp in his arms. He just softly laughed but didn’t let go, “Go ahead and sleep, Big Q, I’ll be here when you wake up.” 

Quackity weakly smiled, “Thank you...” He mumbled before he finally closed his eyes and allowed himself to drift to the forgotten land of peaceful slumber.

Tubbo listened to the other’s quiet snores as he stared into nothing, not focusing on anything. He knew that Quackity was hurting, but the other always just seemed to brush off any concerns over his health or himself.

Tubbo sighed once again.

“I’m sorry.”

**Author's Note:**

> I PROJECT ONTO THIS POOR MAN SO MUCH LMFAOOOOOOOO also the big brother vibes quackity gives off,,,,,i HAD to write abt it,,,,anyways let me know if i missed any tags !! i dont want to accidentally hurt anyone, thats the last thing i would ever want to do :(( anyways hope u enjoyed :))


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